Why

Last night, I got the most sincere comment ever from my dearest roommate, Yicky, while she was browsing through my old pictures on my laptop. She said "You don't look happy anymore. Not like in these pictures".

It's awfully true. I am not going to lie. I seldom smile now till my neutral face would probably look sad! It's hard to get myself to smile. If a smile ever appeared, it's either a truly sincere smile or just a facade, to not look too dull. It's just that these days, I have been surrounded by annoyance, irritation, pressure and stress, whenever I want to be happy.

I always tell myself that things could be worse. I try to shrug those burdens off but they keep coming and coming. Do you have to always rain on my parade?

Like this morning, I got so annoyed by the messages that came popping onto my phone, just before my test. Can't I have a clear head before my test? Why do you have to give me a bad day? Making me feel all guilty when I replied too slow and decided to decline your invitation?

I mean, you should have asked me earlier. Instead of after I have my miserable day planned out. I know, I could have traded it for some fun with you guys. I wanted that too but my life just has a few more responsibilities these days and I rather not choose to procrastinate.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get things settled and try to have some fun alone.

Missing You

My head has been cloudy all day. It still is quite so at this moment but I think I can sleep through it. Once I reached home after class, I drew probably one of the longest sighs ever.

After spending 9 years with older and mature people as my classmates, I can't seem to adjust to my current situation, of me being one of the older ones. It sucks, seriously. I miss the good old days that I learn from my older friends and it's totally awesome that we can be really open minded with each other. Vulgar words are just words, though we have limits in using them. Sex is an open topic, it's a life process. Individuality is first priority.

Right now, here, everything is a 180 flip. Some of them think that those hand gestures and vulgar words should not be done and said. If you're a girl, swearing makes you look rude and bad, or.. (I seriously can't see the reason, wtf!). If you're gonna be talking about sex, you got to be a boy or something. Knowing too much about it makes you bad too. Oh and living up your own style is probably weird. So, getting many piercing makes you a bad person. And you should not be yourself and be a stereotype to be accepted.

I really miss the good old days. When I could be my own person, without people judging me and without those immature comments they say to you just to make themselves sound better. From the whole bunch, I can say, there are only a few mature people.

Once again, sigh.. So not in the mood for anything right now.

Ouchy

Four years ago, I fell and suffered an injury to my tail bone. But I didn't care. A year later, the genius teacher asked me to do sit ups on the hard floor. Suddenly there's a bruise at my tail bone that turned into this sort of permanent lump. A few months ago, I fell again. Pain shot down both my legs. But I didn't care. Last night, I fell down.. this time on the stairs. Thanks to my cheap sneakers.

Landed "nicely" on that old injury. The pain was excruciating. My legs shivered. At one point I couldn't feel my legs. I scraped skin off my elbow in the fall. It was all bloody. Took a paper to wrap my elbow to stop the bleeding. I wonder how many people were staring at me on the LRT and the bus. When I got back at my place, it was dark. I knew that I should not walk alone but I did anyway. My body was too sore to dig my cellphone out to make any calls.

That night I could not even sit. Even when I lie on my chest I could feel the pain. Eventually I fell asleep, with the air conditioning at full blast. Woke up feeling better but now I can really feel my injuries. The old injury seems to feel fine now. I can't tell if the lump is any bigger. Elbow is bruised but the torn skin is healing. A bruise to my left butt. Sprain at some point at my neck. Bleh.. I feel old.

Mum asked me to go to the doctor. She's afraid that I'll get another blood clot. But I hate going to the doctors for this kind of stuff. Anyways, I don't think it is that serious. So, we'll see in a few days. If I don't get better, I'll go. But I'll have to walk all the way to the doctor's. And she said not to walk too much. lol.

I was still in bed when Neal said the clinic is open. The soreness of my body and the stuffiness of my nose suggested to me to not move a muscle. Good thing I didn't. Ouch..

Note to self: Get better footwear!!!

Going Overboard

I've been such a good girl lately. I did not waste my time on games and chatting like I used to in semester 1 but nothing is working out. For some reason a certain someone's act towards me just changed me. Since the starting of Semester 2, I've been walking down a bad road and I can't seem to get myself up again. It's like when I fell too deep into depression two years ago that ruined my life.

Right, now I want to kick myself so hard for saying that. But it's true. I noticed that I can't smile anymore and my weekends were mental torture. I've become extra sensitive. I don't know the person staring back in the mirror anymore. And I have to face this alone because no one seems to understand, not even the person that used to. I'm praying for something or someone to come save my sorry ass. I have no idea why it has come to this.

I know, behaving this way isn't going to make bad days any better. The truth is, I honestly have no control over my depression. It's a disease I'm fighting everyday of my life. If you're a sensible human being, you should know what to do when you're around me. If you're not sure, try not talking about what I'm going through out loud.

Now that I've realized this, I also realized that all my spare time during weekends were spent drowning in sorrow, instead of finishing tutorials, reports, studying, playing games and having fun, like those days. And now, I have a tests this weekend. My brain feels absolutely empty.

Save me, I'm going overboard..

I wished those 2 years never happened.. fml

Falling Out

I promised myself to study during the weekends but as usual, nothing went according to plan. Nevertheless, I failed to come out with a plan B. That left me staring in awe at my laptop as today's incident kept hitting replay in my head. I'm not going to go into that. My last conversation about it made me felt weak and sad.

Sigh, I can't focus on my work, I might as well sleep. I can't sleep, I might as well.. blog? fml.

I am lacking my confidence. Midterms are drawing closer and closer and it's like I've been sleeping through my life for the last month. My memory is failing me. Maybe it's because I'm aging. I hate it when people don't take me seriously at the right time. It's usually the wrong time. It really hurts that people that know you so well do things that will upset you but don't see what they are doing.

How can I be so insecure? How can I be falling out with myself?

.. And They Didn't Live Happily Ever After?

So much for my happy ending. At least I thought it would be but a cat's life is so different and everything is so fast. I thought I could blog about it for a few days but the next day my mum said that it's over and they are not seeing each other again. Wtf..

Right, confused? Let me explain. The story in my previous post is about my cat, Lucky. She was dating a cat. Suddenly the male started to turn his back on her. He didn't come around anymore and Lucky was left waiting at their little spot (kindergarten playground). Even if he did, he'll hiss at her. Mum told it to me over the phone and I thought it'll be cool if I shared it. I humanoid the story because if you think about it, pretty much all of us can relate to it, may it be friendship or love =)

But the story did not end on a good note. The next day after my previous post, I got the news that the male attacked Lucky at the dating spot. He's big and aggressive. Good thing my cat has a pack of stray dogs as her body guard. Those dogs chased him down the road and the rest is history. I have no idea if those dogs killed the cat. If you want to know how Lucky made friends with the dogs, that's another story ;)

Yeah, so that's pretty much it. Ended so soon. Even my last friendship problem lasted longer, I think. Can't remember exactly how long. It happened like 3 years ago! Maybe it's different for love especially for animals?

For the fun of it, could you relate to this:

The change, is disturbing. Comparing the past few months and now, how you treated me. It's so different. You used to make my day, turn my frown upside down and share with me your dreams and secrets. But lately, it's like I don't know you anymore. Why the sudden distance? Why the sudden change? I wish things were just like how they were, back when you were like my favorite songs.

Like I said, I totally could.

P/S:  This picture is not a picture of the male and Lucky. The one on the left is my late cat, Minnie and the other is Lucky. The picture just felt significant for the story.

Once Upon A Time..

The change, is disturbing. Comparing the past few months and now, how you treated me. It's so different. You used to make my day, turn my frown upside down and share with me your dreams and secrets. But lately, it's like I don't know you anymore. Why the sudden distance? Why the sudden change? I wish things were just like how they were, back when you were like my favorite songs.